heatherartist (heatherartist) wrote,


I am posting this in my journal for two reasons - to keep track of my progress and maybe help others to think about their smoking habits.  I  had been a closet smoker for years and am now quitting.  Had smoked for over 30 years in all.  When I didn't smoke I sucked on nicotine lozenges.  I don`t want my paintings to have the smell of smoke on them. Too much work and time to sneak cigarettes and I hate the smell of them anyway.

When I started smoking it was the `cool` thing to do and no information about harmful effects.  Smoking is not cool never was.

To me a craving is where I am hanging by my teeth on the edge of a cliff (and caps are not as strong as real teeth) ready to fall into the clutches of the nasty relapse.... managed to climb back in time so far using my techniques.

An urge, something that would be really nice to have (like favorite ice cream etc or your example of a cute guy) but can be put aside and ignored.

Take care of and baby your quit it needs nurturing for a long time....

I agree craves and urges are the same `notion` this is just semantics - I say for me I look at them differently as the crave for me is a more intense feeling where I feel I would do a lot to satisfy it. An urge is not as strong a feeling therefore am able to ignore it better.

I don`t get either often now - I think they are scared of me for a bit as I told them both to go to hell in a handbasket and if they couldn`t find one I would supply them with it. 

I do not allow myself to romance the habit - this is all about me, everything I am doing is about me - I feel like a drama queen but there you have it - me me meeeeee! If I romanced the smoke I might find it seductive and I like that feeling, so I don`t think about it - I breathe deep instead - I stretch and reach for the stars - I meditate - and I recognize I can never become overconfident or arrogant that `I have this beat no problem`. 

I mostly indulge in the good energy of knowing I am starting to feel better, tired but what the heck that will pass, my heartbeat is steadier, my blood pressure is down, I have no qualms about terminating irritating phone conversations - but best of all is that little bubble of joy inside me that glows knowing I am committed to my quit and determined to replace that dirty habit with good habits that make ME feel great. And the rest of the world will just have to take care of itself for a while without me managing it.

Plus I smell sooo good! Even my cat likes me better, and her fur no longer stinks. I treasure my quit and will always do so.

Of course at my age I can do almost anything I want and young people will say I am just that `eccentric` old cat lady and ignore me..... mmwaaaahaaahaaa


June 21, 2008

And I thought it was just me and maybe I was overreacting... no I wasn't.  After 18 days I had relapsed for two days, but closed the door, turned off the phone and dug deep inside myself, wrote things down, was honest with myself... etc.

When I opened the door, it was to accept only positive people into my home, turned on the phone and only answered calls to people who were supportive. I stayed away from toxic people and situations - and during that first week, instead of focusing on craves or urges focused on how to replace them with something else that is positive.

This is an ongoing process, so far successful, I feel comfortable in my quit, I love the way I and my cat smell, also the apt.

Summer is here and love eating raw fruit and veggies. Even eat my corn raw if it is good corn.

Yesterday I felt well enough to go out for a little while, was planning on buying a frame for a painting and some undies at Victoria Secret as they said they were having a sale.  Well, I went out and got myself a french style pedicure and manicure, went to DSW (great discount shoe store of top brands) and bought six pairs of new summer sandals, and a funky sun hat.  While doing this my laundry was being washed and folded by Laundromat.  After shopping I went and picked up all my clean clothing then exhausted with pain went home to take meds that I cannot take when driving.  Never did buy the frame and undies - LOL.

I feel good! Until I sat down here to write this didn't realize until now that I didn't think of smoking at all today. Aaaah life is truly good, and I can do all this 'cause I am blonde and love chocolate!

I love the feeling of control I have and I put all these memories away to be taken out now and again to remind myself why I will never smoke or use nicotine lozenges again.  Am now working on day 23 since the relapse.

Have had a high level migraine since Sunday June 15th and today is Sat 21st.  Meds do give me a few hours here and there of relief but that does require morphine and percocet plus migraine meds.  The injections help but not much with this one.  Not the first time one has lasted this long so should be ending soon.  On Mon I go to have nerve oblation in both sides of my neck and that will go a long way in relieving triggers for me.  Had a bad one for 7 days end of May then a 3 day one starting June 8th, so old cycle is starting up again.  BUT I am not smoking and that is a big thing, because smoking helps to constrict the blood vessels and that is what the meds do, so it actually helps, can only smoke when pain level is down but it was enough, however, no more of that, will take an extra pill instead with dr's okay.

I will not stop smoking because of the awful things that might happen to me, etc.  I will focus on the fun and positive things, saving all the money now (have enough sandals for this year) for a luxury vacation next year, somewhere that I can paint outside with my new french easel.  I can do all this 'cause I am blonde and love chocolate!



Tags: having fun, migraines, quit smoking

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